I know this. I've learned and relearned this.
So, when we found out, after three losses, then, after a lot of difficulties, testing, etc, that we were again expecting, I didn't feel anything close to excitement. Nope.
All my pregnancy joy and excitement had died, it seemed, back in February.
All I felt instead was a feeling of bleakness, and said to Derek, "Well, we'll see."
Weeks were spent in a state of high anxiety/near panic. Every twinge, every stretch was, "Am I miscarrying?"
Exhausted by the end of the day, I'd fall into bed and think, "Made it through another day. We'll see what happens tomorrow."
Part of the exhaustion was anxiety, but part of it was trying to NOT feel anxious. Ferevently, I'd lean on my God to just help me feel peace instead of fear, make my faith greater than the terror. See, I KNOW in my heart, that faith is better, that no matter what happens we'll be okay, but putting it into practice is and continues to be very hard.
Add to the anxiety, near debilitating "morning" (yeah right) sickness, and constant exhaustion, and well, it doesn't take much imagination to guess my house was in shambles and my spirit pretty battered. We couldn't hide it from the kids, with my being so out of commission. They took the news fine. Mostly because I simply said, "We're hoping for a baby in the spring."
For so long, all we had was hope.
Yet, through it all, everything continues to look great with the pregnancy. Everything IS great. My 12 week appointment was yesterday, and while still considered and treated as "high risk" Baby keeps on growing, and making me fat and tired.
It's so awesome.
It's taken me a long to time to feel okay. Then to go from "okay" to excited. And now? Well. I know tomorrow it could all change. It could all go away. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to be grateful TODAY for God's gifts. Today, I'm 12 weeks and some change, pregnant with our baby. We're so hopeful for a March birthday, just as spring is springing. Every day is a victory.
If it all goes away, I'm still going to be grateful for the journey.
(Baby, happy and healthy about two weeks ago)