I know this. I've learned and relearned this.
So, when we found out, after three losses, then, after a lot of difficulties, testing, etc, that we were again expecting, I didn't feel anything close to excitement. Nope.
All my pregnancy joy and excitement had died, it seemed, back in February.
All I felt instead was a feeling of bleakness, and said to Derek, "Well, we'll see."
Weeks were spent in a state of high anxiety/near panic. Every twinge, every stretch was, "Am I miscarrying?"
Exhausted by the end of the day, I'd fall into bed and think, "Made it through another day. We'll see what happens tomorrow."
It.was.awful.
Part of the exhaustion was anxiety, but part of it was trying to NOT feel anxious. Ferevently, I'd lean on my God to just help me feel peace instead of fear, make my faith greater than the terror. See, I KNOW in my heart, that faith is better, that no matter what happens we'll be okay, but putting it into practice is and continues to be very hard.
Add to the anxiety, near debilitating "morning" (yeah right) sickness, and constant exhaustion, and well, it doesn't take much imagination to guess my house was in shambles and my spirit pretty battered. We couldn't hide it from the kids, with my being so out of commission. They took the news fine. Mostly because I simply said, "We're hoping for a baby in the spring."
For so long, all we had was hope.
Yet, through it all, everything continues to look great with the pregnancy. Everything IS great. My 12 week appointment was yesterday, and while still considered and treated as "high risk" Baby keeps on growing, and making me fat and tired.
It's so awesome.
It's taken me a long to time to feel okay. Then to go from "okay" to excited. And now? Well. I know tomorrow it could all change. It could all go away. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to be grateful TODAY for God's gifts. Today, I'm 12 weeks and some change, pregnant with our baby. We're so hopeful for a March birthday, just as spring is springing. Every day is a victory.
If it all goes away, I'm still going to be grateful for the journey.
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(Baby, happy and healthy about two weeks ago)
6 comments:
I'm so excited for you!!! How wonderful!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!
I am so very happy for you and your family. Remember that everything is perfect as you know it to be. Your journey has and continues to be an inspiration to those around you!
I told someone one day that Elodie was my rainbow baby. They were confused and I realized that a lot of people have never heard that phrase before, I only knew it because of the SHARE group I had become a part of, and so I told them about how struggling through miscarriages had been my storm, but after the storm was over my rainbow appeared. Sometimes the storm seems to go on and on for way too long, I hope and pray that you will continue to be able to find joy and gratitude in each day. I kept the saying "Don't worry. Worry never stripped tomorrow of it's pain, it only strips today of it's joy." on my microwave for a long time. At about 12 weeks I also got a Doppler on loan- I tried to limit myself to one listen per day of that sweet little heart beat, but there were nervous days when it seemed like I was checking to make sure she was still there every hour. Spring will come! I'll pray for your rainbow to come too.
Wonderful news! Congrats and enjoy that baby sickness! :P
I'm so happy for you. You are one of the strongest people I know. We are praying, always, for you and your family. Love you. Grammy
Congratulations!! Praying for you and your little one.
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