Oliver's birthday is in a month.
This has quite possibly been the fastest most whirl-windy year of my life. And I have heard tell that they only continue to flow by like dollops.
Normally, by the time my baby is celebrating his birthday, we're celebrating a pregnancy. The two other first birthdays have been marked by serious nausea on my part.
A lot of people keep waiting for the announcement. If I were to say it, not one person we know would be the slightest bit surprised.
A dear friend whom I really really love even asked, "Isn't it about time? I mean Oliver's almost one!"
And in theory, or based on previous proof, it indeed would be about time.
Except that is just isn't.
I am extremely blessed. I have never faced infertility of any kind. I wish to be pregnant, and I am pregnant. It's easy. So, when that pain of "Oh, we need another baby!" starts to set in, we do what we do, and 9 months later, we're parents again. It's very very easy, so easy that I have been pregnant and/or nursing nonstop for five years.
I can't explain it, but right now that pain is just not here. (And any woman who has ever wanted a baby can tell you it is REAL pain, divinely created to ensure the continuance of the human race. Without it no one would ever voluntarily become a mother, at least not repeatedly, of that I'm certain.) In the past, I would patiently wait out the hurt until my body would allow for a new baby. (Breastfeeding is excellent birth control around these parts.)
And now we have come full circle.
Is it because I had three so quickly? Is it because 2010 appears to be promising a lot of unknowns? Is it just that I am very tired? Who knows. All I know is that while I feel certain more sweet soft newborns are in our future, the "when" is yet to be determined.
It's strange, NOT longing for a baby. It is disconcerting to say the least. I have not really felt the absence of it since shortly after we got married. Pregnancy really was all that quieted it. Even with brand new newborns, I'd be gearing up.
And I am plagued with self-doubt. "My kids are all 20-21 months apart! I can't mess with that!" (Really, can't I? I'm not OCD enough to really care.) "I want to just get it over with!" (This is the truth, I'm not planning on bearing children in my 40's.) "I SHOULD want another baby." (Sigh.)
But today I do not. It's just not here. So for the time being, I'm enjoying the quiet, the contentedness. And when that sweet, ruthless ethereal pain invades once more, then it will be time.
And when it is time, you'll be the first to know. (Okay, that was a lie.)
Just don't be surprised if it isn't in the next month.