Thursday, September 10, 2009

Deep Breaths

Despite what you may read here/draw conclusions from, I do kind of agonize over my blog. I don't want to be too 1. Annoying 2.  Gooshy-touchie-feely 3. Open.

So, it is with trepidation that I blog the following:

Today, at naptime, all three children were hollering.

Spencer because he wanted to drink chocolate milk before bed. (Even though he had just finished his lunch.)

Henry because he didn't want to wait for Dinosaur Train whilst I laid the other two down.

Oliver because it was Zantac-time, he was tired, wet and ready for nursing and sleeping.

So, I dealt with each from youngest to oldest.

And then started all over again.

Spencer has NEVER thrown such a tantrum in his life. He was just.sobbing. Over chocolate milk. Or just because he was tired, I'm not sure. I held him, rocking him, was stern with him, left him alone, but to no avail. He cried great, heaping, choking sobs that were simply unheard of. It was incredible.

Meanwhile, Dinosaur Train ENDED causing Henry great anguish. TIVO quickly averted that disaster.

Then Oliver woke up again, crying like his little life was over. Nursing fixed that problem.

Finally, I returned to Spencer.

I went in, intending to inform him of my wrath. But there he was, standing up in his little crib, arms outstretched, hiccuping with misery.

"Stop crying!" I demanded. And he whimpered and hiccupped and snot ran from his nose. And my heart softened, liquified is perhaps a better term.

I don't know WHY he was so miserable today. He is not normally a fit-throwing kind of kid. I picked up my big, sweet baby and held him for a moment, while he shook.

Finally, I went with what popped into my head. "Want to take a nap in HENRY'S bed?" That did it.

I sat next to him while he drifted away in Henry's bed. What a treat for him! I held him little hand and watched him fall asleep. I laid my head next to his dirty little toes and just watched.

Suddenly, he mumbled, "Mommy." I looked up, he was asleep, but still, once more, just a whisper. "Mommy" and he sighed and stirred no more.

It hit me, hard. Kind of like someone picked up a rock and cracked me over the head with it.

I have NOT been a good mom.

I'm not saying that as a "woe is me, I need validation" way either. It is simply truth. I have sucked it up so bad.

I mean, three kids has been hard, Oliver's issues have finally been explained, but that does not excuse the fact that I have stunk up this whole gig.

I love my children with my whole heart, so much that it literally hurts me. I can barely even imagine a life without each of them. And I haven't been doing a good job. I've been phoning it in, going through the motions and I can't believe how long I've been getting away with it. My poor babies.

I've excused myself with, "I'm so tired! I don't sleep" BLAH BLAH BLAH. Mommy guilt is something powerful, and it has crashed down upon me with full force today people.

I am so slow to catch on to things, it is positively embarrassing. It does not matter if my dishes are done, or if the laundry is folded, not if it means that my children are paying for it.

(I'm trying to not be melodramatic, by the way, truly.)

So, I'm pledging to be better. To not just love my children but to cherish them, to be grateful for each moment I have with them. To awake with a smile, no matter WHAT time it is. I have very little time with them, in reality, and I will not waste another second feeling sorry for myself.

I am blessed.

I am their mother.

And I thank God for that.

8 comments:

Jae said...

Oh Morgs, this totally made me tear up. We all have days like this. But I know that your boys think you're the best mom that ever walked the planet. And heaven knows no one could do it like you.

Amber C said...

Spencer's problem--he's two! He may be signalling that he's ready for a big boy bed. Nap time in the big kid bed is how we transitioned both of ours.
Another thing--we NEVER see the obvious explanation. That's why hind sight is very 20/20. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Still more--I'm surprised you figured out all this so quickly with the 3 kids. I can only imagine how it'd take me...probably by the time the youngest was in middle school! Just breathe, and then look at your sleeping angels at night and be grateful, as I know you are. They're wonderful...when they're not making you want to pull your hair out.

Jen said...

Aww...but you are a good mom because you recognize your mistakes and try to be better! The thought of 3 terrifies me! I've had a hard week thinking I'm a terrible mom to only 2!

BloggingBills said...

And now sweet Boo Boo you know what it really means to be a mother, imperfections and all. God doesn't expect perfection from us just humility and the constant realization of our imperfections. It seems that with your heart felt realization of your own limitations, you've made your Father in Heaven very happy. Much love to all.
-Dad

BloggingBills said...

Boo,
Don't be so hard on yourself. If I had to guess, I'd say you were reading from those books I brought and feeling guilty because those 'perfect Mormon mother' books always make you feel guilty.

Don't.

1) Most kids (Henry excepted) don't remember much before age 3. So you're good to go.

2) You are not a bad mother.
Tired, overworked, but not bad.

3) Celebrate the successes and the tiny good things. Write them down.

4) TTWP (This too will pass) and you will (I promise this because I've been there) miss it terribly.

Love ya and the good you do!
MA

Nathaly said...

I totally could have written this post. Thanks so much for posting this. I really needed it. The other day I was in an exceptionally good mood and Diego was like, "Mommy, are you happy?" It made me realize how often I DON'T smile and how he must think I'm just miserable all the time. I'm vowing with you to do better tomorrow. And the next day and the next day!

Yasmine said...

Oh my gosh you're describing the way I feel ALL the TIME! I feel like I pledge to be a better mom EVERY night and then the next day I muck it up again. Maybe this is normal...

Alisa and Jared said...

Ummm...don't we all feel like this?! Yup!!

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