Sunday, May 17, 2009

An Anniversary

It's funny but practically every day is an anniversary of something... Derek and my first date, kiss, a birthday, an actual anniversary, a move, the list goes on and on. Some are good, happy days and others are anniversaries of days not so good.

Right about now is the anniversary of a miscarriage. I never really talked about it on my blog, though I've mentioned it very briefly a couple of times. It just seemed too real at the time, to put out there in the blogosphere. But after a year, perspective has been gained which allows for less raw emotion and just more... contemplation? Is that the right word? I don't even know.

I just know that a year ago, it was rough. I mean really rough. Being pregnant one minute to suddenly making frantic phone calls to my midwife, knowing even as they assured me that all was probably fine, that it was not. I knew it, I knew it and I was so angry.

I remember thinking and even saying out loud, "This is silly! It was just a miscarriage!" But I was lying. It was never "just" a miscarriage. Ask any woman who has ever had one, or two or more. It is never "just" anything. It's dreams and anticipation and excitement all shot to heck. Not the outcome one hopes for when they finally see those two little lines.

Whenever I did reveal, in real life our loss, I'd fine more women that had experienced the same thing than not. It happens ALL the time. Darn technology that is a blessing and curse, allows us to know we're pregnant so quickly that it also allows us to be aware of miscarriages that would never have been detected even 20 years ago. It stinks. Hearing other women express their experiences made it a bit easier.

In the year since that fateful, awful day, a lot has changed. My newest baby is asleep right here next to me. And this blows my mind! When January rolled around, and the due date of my third, lost baby, came, I was sad, and yet, so so grateful. I would have had a different baby if it had come in January. It wouldn't be Oliver laying here next to me. It would be some other baby, who would now be 5 months old. Would it have been a girl? (My mommy-instinct tells me so.) I adore my little O-man. His birth was the culmination of a lot of pain and healing that had occurred in the last year. I'm so grateful for him. Never have I been more sure of a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of our every ache and every tear. He knows me, He knows my heart and that allowed for such healing, that it is nearly impossible to describe.

I don't want to say the pain goes away. That doesn't seem fair, but to say that it's been lived through and absorbed seems more accurate. It's simply a part of me, one little tiny attribute of me that makes me more fully me (and Derek too, it was OUR baby). It's not on the surface, but as a mother, it will always be there.

Since it's been a year and since I've already had another baby, I feel doubly blessed. Friends I know experience many miscarriages and wait for the adoptions to go through, and they wait and wait and wait. I'm really spoiled. I had to wait almost no time at all. While being pregnant twice in a year was not easy physically, I had never been more grateful to be pregnant and to have a new baby. Hot diggity dog, what a sweet life I've got. So Happy Anniversary to me! I lived to tell the tale. And it really has been a wonderful year.

11 comments:

Anna said...

Morgan I'm so sorry to hear of the loss. How far along were you? Your little boys are so cute!! And they are truly lucky to have you as their mom!!!

Matt and Carolyn said...

Oh Morgs, your post totally made me cry! It doesn't help that it has only been 2 months since my miscarriage. I love how you wrote it all out, you said it all perfectly. And I'm so glad you have your little Oliver!

The Idaho Olsens said...

Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts...

Alice said...

Morgan: I don't think I have ever gotten teary by any of your posts. I truly felt the spirit as you discussed your pain and the comfort that our Father in Heaven gave you. What a great blessing each and every hardship truly is in our lives. We are given each test because we can deal with it and because it will make us better, stronger people. Thanks for sharing this and for being who you are. I cherish the special friendship we have! Love ya Sis!

Jeannie said...

I saw the link to your blog on facebook a while back (in case you were wondering).

I was trying to convince your hubby in nursery today that you need to stay in our ward because I think you guys are way cool. I don't think I made any progress with him.

Anyway, I read your blog and then looked up at the date. Exactly 12 years ago TODAY I had an ectopic pregnancy. It was very surreal because I only knew I was pregnant for a week and then just when I was getting used to the idea, I wasn't anymore. And I was down a fallopian tube. Crazy. Oliver is such a little cutie!

If you want, send me your e-mail address and I'll invite you to my very exclusive blog (my husband makes me keep it private).

Lenaya and Xiana said...

oh Morgan, this was perfectly written and simultaneously tragic and beautiful. Thanks for writing it and thanks for alllllll your help. I am really going to miss you!

Lindsey said...

So sorry to hear about losing a little one. I am sure it was so hard to go through. We are glad Oliver is here!

Amber C said...

I hope that in a year from now I can look back on my miscarriage and feel the same. I wouldn't mind it if I had a baby sleeping next to me as well, that would ease the pain I'm feeling now. I remember hearing of your miscarriage at the time and being shocked that you of all people would experience one. Little did I know that a year later it would be my fate as well. You give me encouragement to know that there is joy after loss, it just takes time and a change of perspective.
I've been looking up scriptures about long-suffering lately and they've given me strength to know that I can endure and that Heavenly Father wants me to endure, not fail.

The Wolford Family said...

Well Boo I'm sorry this is an anniversary you're noting. But haivng experienced it also, as the years pass the anniversaries are still remembered but I look forward to getting those babies I've lost to raise.

Melissa said...

Morgan, I'm easily enough brought to tears but being pregnant, but being pregnant and knowing what a blessing it is probably made it even easier. :) I think I remember when this happened. You may have mentioned it to me. How far along were you?

I know there's never a "you're safe and out of the woods" time of pregnancy. At ten weeks I'm still terrified that I could loose this baby, which I've wanted for the past six years. I really don't know if I could pull myself through another pregnancy if I lost this one. I have no reason to think I'll miscarry but I'm still overly worried about it.

Morgan and Derek said...

Oh, I was right around 8-9 weeks along.

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