Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I wish you could have seen...

Spencer running in a circle wearing a pirate hat and playing a harmonica for 15 minutes today.

He is my baby... for a bit longer.

I struggle, deeply, with change. GOOD change sends my world into an utter tailspin of ridiculous irrationality.

The last day of second grade, I cried myself to sleep. I loved second grade and third, I was sure would be awful.

The night before my parents left me at BYU, I laid in their bed sobbing, begging them not to leave me.

The night before my freaking WEDDING I had an emotional meltdown so epic you'd think it was an arranged marriage. I WANTED to marry Derek, I was HAPPY but change was coming and it freaked me out.

Whenever we move, I have emotional meltdowns as I pack boxes.

When I went into labor with Henry, I hadn't had a chance to freak out yet, so I settled for utter and complete denial. I couldn't be in LABOR, I was never actually going to have a baby! I was just real real fat. Derek had to FORCE me to go to the hospital.

And the night I went into labor with Spencer, I rocked my baby Henry to sleep and sobbed, knowing, as happy as were to be having a new baby, it was CHANGING everything. And my heart hurt.

So, today, as I watched my big boy who is still my baby play, I struggled against emotional meltdown, KNOWING that as happy as I'll be to welcome our new baby, and wishing at 39 weeks, that he'd come NOW, I sat fighting the change I feel coming. So, I just sat on the couch and cried until I had to put Spencer on timeout for not listening. :)

Change is hard for me. I'm not an embracer of change like some people. I fight it, and cry and throw a fit, then accept it, and I'm fine. But, apparently, I simply cannot move forward in my life, without mourning the things I'm losing. The death of one moment in my life gives way to more blessings, more love, more EVERYTHING that I know God wants me to have, but my humanness just requires that I have a hissy fit first.

And I'm always grateful for the amazing blessings that we do receive, when I finally stop being stupid, and allow the change to come.

But holy heck, it hurts.

12 comments:

Carolyn said...

Aw Morgs, that's sweet! What a cute post. I know how you feel, change is scary! Hooray for baby #3, it's going to be so exciting!

The Idaho Olsens said...

Hi Morgan, this is Tara Olsen from the Manhattan 2nd ward. I got your blog address from Diane Schurr. Your family is so cute...I enjoy your blog. I completely understand about change I am the same way...I have to mourn the moment before I am ready to move on with something...Where in Las Vegas are you? I ask because my in laws live in Henderson...I wish you all the best with baby #3!

Chelsea said...

I'm the same way. Really.

The Wolford Family said...

I love you Boo!!!

Erin said...

May I just say that your description of the "epic meltdown" before your wedding was a bit understated? I am not sure there are words to describe the hysteria. :-)
Love you!

Lyndy said...

Thanks for putting into words exactly how I am also! Good luck with all the change and soon you will be adjusted again.

Morgan and Derek said...

Erin- I believe "epic" sums it up just fine thanyouverymuch. :)

Tara- Hi! I lurk my way to your blog too. :)

BloggingBills said...

Boo:

Since we moved here and have gone through all we've been through I've discovered I'm change-phobic also. So you get it from me. I just moved around all those years because I knew that it was what we did, but after Wausau I've really struggled. So I know what you are saying honey!

Love ya and can't wait to see ya!
And the boys! (all 4 of them, if you count Maynard Aloysius!

MA

Erin said...

MORGAN! Do NOT have the baby today! I left my phone at home and if you have the baby, I will not get the phone call to tell me that you had the baby and decided to name him Aaron. SO. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE wait until tomorrow. Or, tonight around 6:30 which is when I will be home to get my phone call.

Erin said...

You could also name him Brigham. If you wanted. But, Aaron is the best.

John, Kara, Andrew and Grant said...

I remember having that same feeling right before I had Grant. I couldn't believe I was losing my baby (though really, he was already huge and very much not a baby, but still). By the way, I love the name Spencer....I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned that.

Spanish Trail YSA Ward said...

Hi Morgs - it's Les. I don't have a g-mail account, or a blog account, so I'm borrowing the log-in for my singles' Ward, Spanish Trail! Hahaha! This is my favorite blog of yours EVER! Because I am the same way with change....not good at it at all! You know what's funny? I had a hard time when you married Derek because although I was OVER THE MOON happy for you and always want what's best for you, I knew Derek was your new best friend. And my heart hurt a little. But I love Derek, and I'm not sad about it anymore! And now you have three BEAUTIFUL boys! wa-hoo! By the way, when I have kids (sigh...someday) will you be my mid-wife? Love, Lelly

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