Showering.

Get your mind out of the gutter. This isn't a "dirty" post, despite the title. (Actually, it'll be quite clean... get it, shower=clean?? Oh, the puns I weave...)

As the mother of two, I am priviledged to have the challenge of showering every day. This is a challenge I take very seriously. I work out most days and frankly, if I didn't shower, I'd have no friends. Besides, I have an addiction to showers. The hot steamy water... oh, heaven.

Now, my two little blessings do not make showering easy. Oh no, never. I swear they LIKE me to be stinky.

See, it goes like this...

Derek leaves for work at 7:50. I never have time to shower BEFORE he leaves because I'm ironing his shirt, or finding his nametag, or getting Henry cereal, or nursing Spencer, etc etc etc. So, Derek is gone when I get the chance to shower.

I round up my children, and LOCK them in my room. Henry gets to watch PBS (usually SuperWhy or Clifford these days... I'm sure you were wondering...) and Spencer usually plays in the exersaucer.

I say, "Henry, be a good boy and watch the show. Mommy will be back in a moment... I'm going to take a shower!"

Henry replies, "Mama take a shaow...."

I say, "Yes, Mama takes a shower, shao-w-er-er" (I like to try and help his speech be better, even on my way to the shower.)

On goes the water, so now I can't hear my kids. I assume they are fine. Against my selfish desires to LOCK the bathroom door, I do not. (I should state that my bathroom is IN the master bedroom, so the children are locked in WITH me, not AWAY from me...)

I hop in the shower, hoping for five, maybe ten minutes of uninterrupted shower time. (Have I mentioned that I LOVE SHOWERS???)

As soon as the water hits me, the door opens.

"Henry! Close the door, it's cold."

The door closes.

I hear, faintly, the sound of Spencer starting to whine.

"Henry! Give your brother a kiss! He's sad!" I shout.

The door opens. Immediately after which the curtain to the shower opens.

"MAMA THE BABY IS SAD! Oh, you're NAKED!"

"HENRY! Go out and close the door!"

He exits.

At this point, I have shampooed my hair and am now rinsing. I can hear Spencer's whining turning into crying.

The door opens. No voice from Henry.

"Henry? HENRY! Go out and shut the door! It's cold!" I command.

"NO! OHHH! I flush!"

"NO! DON'T FLUSH! Please, Baby, go on out and watch the show. Can you find baby a toy to play with?? He's sad!"

"Mama, where Daddy go?"

"HENRY! He went to work! Go play or watch your show!"

I have, at this point, now conditioned my hair and am debating shaving my legs. It's been 5 days and getting ridiculous, but I can hear Spencer now wailing and suddenly, I hear a crash.

I stop. I listen. No further noise.

Oh crap. What has he got now?

"Henry! Come here and show Mommy what you have please!"

No reply!

"HENRY! Come here honey and let me see!"

No reply.

I start to worry at this point. My sewing supplies are in my room and it wouldn't be the first time Henry has "helped himself" to my scissors.

Crap. Spencer is REALLY screaming now. Apparently, the exersaucer is just not cutting it. He is all exersauced out.

I turn off the water, and dry myself as fast as possible. I did NOT shave my legs. And I'm not even sure if I managed to get myself washed.

"Spencer! Mama's coming! Just a moment, baby!"

Screams continue to resonate. I'm sure the neighbors can hear by now.

I twist my hair in a towel and throw on my robe. Into the room I go.

Spencer is a drooling, snotty mess. I pick him up, and he smiles as if to say, "Just checking. Boy, I sure did miss you for the 5 minutes you were away. How come you left me for SO LONG??"

Henry, hides something under the sheets and says, "NO MAMA!"

He is in TROUBLE! He has found the hair-cutting scissors.

I take them away, tantrum ensues!

I soothe his broken heart, nurse Spencer and put him BACK to bed, get Henry dressed, do the dishes and finally realize, it is now 10am and I'm still in a bathrobe.

Honestly, perhaps being stinky WOULD be a better option.