Conquests in the grass

Now look, I don't as a "rule" do yard work. Mostly because I don't ever have a yard.

But we're living at my parents' house for the summer. (Did you forget that?) And they have a yard-type-thing.

I am happy to help in my mom's garden. But yard work. YUCK.

So, either my handsome brother Josh or my handsome father, Dad does the mowing, etc. Derek is painfully allergic to grass, hay, and the outdoors as a rule, so I don't want him to do it and die.

Well.

Josh is rude and took off for the WHOLE summer.

And my Dad decided to go with my mom to New Mexico, for reasons I'm not clear on, but whatever.

And the yard.

Oh the yard.

Well, I decided it was time to mow.

And mow I did.

To be clear I only mowed the BACK YARD because, like I'm going to mow the front. Don't be ridiculous!

To begin, for reasons I have not been made privy to, packing peanuts have ended up spread around the whole back yard. I don't KNOW why. I just know they are there.

And my dad wanted the boys to pick them up for a penny a piece, but really, they are four and two and do not give a flying toot about money, so they didn't get it. If he'd offered an M&M per peanut, then he'd have had a deal.

ANYWAY.

  I figured the packing peanuts were not to be the end of my plans. I decided that I'd just mow those suckers into nothingness.

"YOU WILL ALL DIE!" declared I.

Hmm. Now it looks like it snowed just a bit. Only a LITTLE bit. I'm not sure how to remedy this as it is STYROFOAM, which does not break down or biodegrade. Hmmmmmmm.

Much of the yard is dead, if we're being honest. We water frequently, like every day, and yet, it's just dead. You'd think this would speed the process but it does not. For dead grass grows. How I don't know, but it had to be mowed just like the green parts. This irked me and miffed me all at once.

Then there is the POOP. Two large dogs and apparently a couple of neighbor cats use our back yard as a toilet. I JUST depooped yesterday, but it had to be done AGAIN. (How I don't know, what are these creatures eating? WHAT?)

Then there are the TOYS. Balls and ropes and frisbees and plastic pools and baseball bats and my mom's sifter (wait, my mom's SIFTER? Mom, I owe you a new sifter) and numerous water bottles full of dirt.

Aren't you SO impressed with my yard yet?

Plus, shoes. So many shoes. And WHY is there a pair of Henry's underwear out there? WHY?

Two hours later, the lawn was sufficiently mowed, and slightly more presentable-looking.

I am thinking that yard work is just as overrated as I always knew it was. But I was triumphant and am now running the sprinklers in hopes that the dead will grow and the live will grow more so I can mow again REALLY REALLY SOON!