The -Ing Family

When in the course of human events, we as Americans have gotta have a cause, Man, something to get all hot and bothered and united about.

In the 50's it was civil rights, the 60's Vietnam, the 70's I'm pretty sure it was disco, the 80's; WHAM and more specifically George Michael, the 90's Peace symbols and baggy pants.

Post 9/11, for a while, it was terrorism (another truly earned movement that in the end, caused people named Daniel Smith to be on the “no fly list”), then came Aktins. That amazing movement that had us, as a nation on our knees, crying in one loud voice, "Give me steak or give me death!!!"

And now, dear Friends and Readers, today, it is

GOING GREEN!!!!

For a while, it appeared, thanks to Michael Moore that we might care about Health Care, but NOPE, along came Al Gore and his extremely "Inconvenient Truth" and we all get all hot (literally) and bothered and start to give a crap about the environment.

Now, please, please, I beg of you, do not misunderstand me. I am very much for protecting the environment. I wrote a report (for extra credit) in the third grade about the terrible things humans do the earth. It got me fired up. If you want more details, ask my mom what happened when I found Styrofoam plates in our cupboard. I do my part now, as well. I cloth diaper, buy biodegradable baby wipes, use environmentally healthy products (gotta love Method) and try to breathe as little as possible. Oh, and I chop up those plastic ring thingies that bottled beverages come it. See?

I care, I really really do.I totally love the earth.

But here's the problem, going green isn't about the environment at all. Sure, SOME people really do care, they really do chain themselves to trees and wear skirts made of wheat, but really, most of us are not those people.

No, we're ordinary Joes and Janes, who do as we're told. So, now, we're told to care about then environment. We just feel badly because 20/20 tells us that we are totally killing the earth. We are destroying Mother Earth simply by existing and we should feel VERY VERY bad about that.

So,boy oh boy are we spending LOTS of money caring.

See, going "green" is exactly that. It's about us, as Americans SPENDING OUR HARD EARNED MONEY, (greenbacks, if you will) to save the Rhinos. (Don't comment about how mean I sound to Rhinos, I love them, I've never poached them, I swear.) It's all about the BENJAMINS, People.

We spend our money on t-shirts that say, "Think Global" and buy products made by Clorox that claim to be "natural" and "green” (don’t fret, I bought it, here’s the picture. I really like it, it smells nice, but I digress).

We buy cloth shopping bags, which I actually did purchase. Growing up, we used cloth bags and I liked the idea. San Francisco actually went so far as to out-law plastic grocery bags.

We buy Sun Chips, which somehow means that they buy "green energy credits" which somehow translates into powering SOMEONE'S home for three whole hours. So, when you eat chips, DUDE, you are saving the PLANET. (For the record, if anyone or anyone you know has actually had their home powered by Sun Chips for any length of time, please let me know...)

We spend money on hybrid cars that cost billions to produce so we can fill up our oil-chugging, gas-guzzling CO2 emitting death-machines less often. We spend, spend, spend. All to save the earth. We are “healing the world” one dollar at a time.

So, EVERYONE wins, right??? We get to feel just awesome about saving the planet, Al Gore feels good about himself even though he did not win the election, nor did he actually invent the internet. George Bush feels good because no one is worrying about the war in Iraq (except how bad it is for the environment) or health care, and businesses are reaping the benefits.

Oh, and I guess the bald eagle and the rain forests, or maybe the nay nay birds are benefiting too. I’m not ACTUALLY sure how they are benefiting, but I am positive that they are. Right????

Right.